“I’m an introvert. I like my alone space. But you don’t have alone space anymore when you’re a mom. With two kids, that’s something I had to navigate. Especially with my first child. Two months after he was born, I developed postpartum depression. I got severe anxiety. Like leaving the house with him was a lot. Like he had to eat all the time. Everything felt overwhelming.

“I recognized what was happening. But I kind of didn’t want to deal with it. My mother-in-law asked my husband to talk to me. She saw that I was not OK. And he was like, ‘I notice you’re different. What’s going on?’ So I told him. And at that point I stopped breastfeeding, which helped. I didn’t have to be there every three hours. It gave me a little freedom. I also went on antidepressant medication for a while, which made things a little less dark.

“When I got pregnant with my daughter, my son was only 10 months old. And I was terrified. I ended up going to therapy. It helped, to know that how I was feeling was OK. That I’m not the only one who goes through it. Because there is a lot of postpartum depression with moms. We don’t really talk about it. For a lot of people, it’s hard to ask for help. I was in that position with my first child. But with my daughter, it ended up being a lot easier. Everything wasn’t new. I kind of knew what to do. And I joined MOMS Club. That was a big help. It pushed me to get out, to be around other people, to start conversations. It provided me with support. It helped me instantly.

“When we moved here from California, I didn’t know anyone. It’s always been hard for me to start friendships. But I knew if I wanted to build a life here, I needed to find other people to be around. That’s why I started a MOMS Club chapter. We’re all stay-at-home moms, or moms who work part-time. We meet up during the day. We go to the park. We have a monthly moms’ night out without kids. But most of all, it’s support. An adult to talk to during the day instead being alone with your kids.

“Now I feel like I’m better able to help other moms, especially those with younger kids. My advice to them is to take care of yourself. As long as you take care of yourself, you can take care of your kids.”

— Annemarie Padilla

Related:

• She misses protective aspect of Netherlands

The post New moms need to take care of themselves first appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“When you’re on the street by yourself, it feels pretty worthless. I don’t want to be here. It gets very lonely. I’ve been very depressed. I cry myself to sleep every night. I just wish I could find somebody to love me as much as I can love somebody else.

“Somehow, I still make myself laugh. It’s complicated. It felt insane at first. But it makes me feel better. Having a sense of humor. Laughing at things that hurt me worse.”

What’s the hardest thing you’ve been through?
“I don’t know. Everything. But it ain’t going to break me. Because I’m already broken. I’ve been broken for years.

“I’ve still got faith. It’s very small. But I’ve got it.”

The post Being homeless ‘feels pretty worthless’ appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“I have a personality that’s kind of funny. It’s like, I could have everything, and I still wouldn’t be happy about it. I’m always wanting more. I think my worst fear is just being average.

“When I was in elementary school, I was in what they called the resource room. I was in all the special education classes. I barely got out of high school, just because I wasn’t really interested and didn’t feel like I was learning what I wanted to learn. I figured the only thing I could do was military. So I joined the Army. Served four years as part of the 82nd Airborne. Didn’t think I would ever go to college.

“I got married really young, at 21, but it didn’t last. When I got divorced, I went through this deep depression. I felt like a loser. I was embarrassed.

“About that same time, I had a buddy who committed suicide. It was totally out of the blue. One of the nicest guys you could ever meet. He was a cop. Getting married the same month. Just went home and shot himself. That really took a big toll. But ultimately, I think it’s what led me to go to college and put me on this path that I’ve taken. It was kind of like revenge. I said, I’m going to make something of myself.

“When I earned my bachelor’s degree, I got in the honor society. Same with my first master’s degree and the next one. Then I was like, well, I may as well get my Ph.D. I’m just finishing the dissertation now.

“I think it’s the work ethic and the drive that makes the difference. If you really want something, you work your ass off to get it. I learned that through everything I’ve experienced in life.

“I love a challenge, man. If you say I can’t do something, I’ll do it.”

— Zack Field

Zack, 31, is executive director of The Waterford at Baytown. Before moving to Texas with his wife, he held leadership positions with several companies. He also is a fitness/nutrition coach and a champion bodybuilder.

Related:

• Individual aspect of bodybuilding appealing

The post ‘I think my worst fear is just being average’ appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“Disney was such a happy experience, and it was so exciting to be in Florida. I was loving what I was doing, loving the people I was with and the community I had created. I had found a church there. There were just all sorts of aspects that fell into place.

“Within a matter of days, all of that was ripped away because of COVID. After I got back home it was like, OK, now what am I going to do? I spent the next three months struggling with my anxiety and depression. I spent what felt like hours upon hours in my mom’s arms, crying to the point where I had no more tears left.

“The job market didn’t help. I applied to company after company and received no more than a generic ‘sorry, we’re not hiring during this unprecedented time’ email. My program ending early felt like a stab wound through the heart, and every email was the twisting of the knife of rejection and failure.

“Finally, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said, all right, what am I going to do next? I settled on getting my master’s in social media and marketing. I began researching programs and started those applications. It’s something that I’ve always been super passionate about and have enjoyed doing. To get to study that and hone my craft is really exciting. A lot of it has to do with my time at Disney. Just figuring out that I really love the creative side of things, and the whole start to finish of a creative project.

“As hard as it’s been, I’ve learned a lot about myself and others, and a lot about patience and enjoying life where I’m at right now. It’s not just me. The whole world has paused. Millions of others are going through something similar or have it far worse. I still have my family. I still have my friends. I still have my health. So, yeah, it’s tough right now, but this is only temporary. There’s so much more out there. I’m excited to see what happens next.”

— Kenzie Lackey

As she finalizes plans for her master’s studies, Kenzie enjoys helping prepare meals and social media posts for The Mustard Seed Tea Room in Baytown.

Related:

• Disney internship adventure begins

• COVID-19 brings abrupt end to internship

The post ‘It’s tough right now, but this is only temporary’ appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“2020, and with it COVID-19, caused severe strife and strain in many people’s lives. From the loss of a loved one or a job, to financial issues, it was definitely a tough year. For some of us, though, 2020 didn’t create any problems that weren’t already there, whether obvious or hidden beneath the surface. It simply magnified those issues and forced us to deal with them. Personally, 2020 was the year that my severe mental illness caught up with me.

“I’ve suffered from severe depression and anxiety since I was 16 years old. Now at 33, I’ve battled this often misunderstood disease for more than half my life. Somehow, even with several bouts of depressive episodes, I managed to power through. I completed a bachelor’s degree, master’s degree, 200-hour yoga teacher training, and then two pregnancies. I got really good at compartmentalizing my mental health issues: stuffing everything away, not really dealing with anything, and then just living life in survival mode. No big deal. Nothing to see here.

“Growing up, while most little girls dreamed of having babies and getting married, I fantasized about becoming president, a lawyer or a doctor. By the time I reconnected with my now-husband in late 2014 (we knew each other in high school, and I had a huge crush on him when I was 15), I had resigned myself to being #foreveralone. I had two dogs, and a budding social work and yoga career. I was fine. But life obviously had different plans for me. Really, it’s no surprise that my transition into motherhood and marriage has been challenging.

Feeling suicidal

“Fast forward to February 2020, when I told my sister-in-law and another close friend that I was feeling suicidal. My daughter had just turned 1 in September, and I felt like I was finally coming up for air after a brutal year navigating life with an infant and toddler, and again, living in constant survival mode. Robbyn (my sister-in-law) and Lori (my best friend) immediately came to my house and talked me through what I was feeling, and made sure I was safe. The next day they checked on me and encouraged me to contact my psychiatrist, who had been treating me for antepartum/postpartum depression the last for years. I got set up to see her that week, and she increased my dose of Sertraline (generic Zoloft). After a few weeks, I could sense the darkness lifting.

“Then March and COVID-19 came along. I was working part time for Clear Creek ISD in League City. As the State of Texas came to a halting stop — businesses shuttering, schools closing for two weeks to ‘slow the spread’ and ‘flatten the curve’ — I found myself stuck at home, alone and isolated from family, with a 1 1/2-year-old and nearly 4-year-old. April was grueling, as the virus was still so new and so much was unknown. We were not visiting anyone outside of our home. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do. Finally, at the end of the month, I took my kids on a walk to our neighborhood park. I felt so nervous and judged for letting them on community playground equipment. But my sanity was starting to falter. Something had to give.

“By May, I had to call in reinforcements. My mom and stepdad became my saving grace. Every two weeks, they picked up my kids and gave us a 24-36-hour reprieve. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children. But I was never cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I am happiest when I’m working and putting my skills to use. So I was slowly dying inside each day, at my children’s beck and call.

“The school district was having us attempt to work from home. That meant I was on Zoom through March and April, while my kids screamed in the background. Then I had to stay up late to answer emails and complete documentation in peace. It wasn’t working for me. It was too stressful, and my productivity was nonexistent. My colleagues and boss could tell. So I turned in my two weeks’ notice and left my position by the middle of May. I began assisting with screening stations at the entrances of the hospital where I also work, as my regular assignment in the case management department was forced to reduce usage of PRN staff. My dad watched the kids so I could go to work two or three times a week, which I looked forward to doing. We powered through the summer months, finally getting used to the ‘new normal’ of social distancing, mask wearing and, for the most part, staying home.

‘Something in me snapped’

“At the end of August, though, something in me snapped. We had moved into a new home at the end of July (in hindsight, moving in the midst of a pandemic, during the second wave no less, might have been a poor choice). We were struggling with an ant infestation at our new place. One day, as they were marching through our garage, inches from the door to the interior of our house, just a feet from our pantry, I flipped out. My husband and I got into a massive argument over buying ant poison. I stormed inside and locked myself in our bedroom. I was sobbing and struggling to catch my breath. I felt completely out of control. I knew something had to change, and fast. I was either going to hurt myself or someone else. So I texted my best friend, Lori, and told her how I was feeling and that I was contemplating checking into a mental hospital. She encouraged me to pack a bag and go. And that’s what I did. Without saying another word, I packed a bag, got into my car, and drove across Houston to check into Houston Behavioral Hospital. I was shaking and nervous to go inside. But I finally mustered the courage to get out of the car and enter the building. 

“While I was going through intake, answering questions from the Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale (an assessment tool that I was familiar with as part of my line of work), I started to feel like I had made a huge mistake. Anxiety set in, and my mind starting racing. Did I really want to do this? Was I just being dramatic? Who would take the kids to preschool the next day? Crap! Their nap mats are in my trunk. The mortgage is due, and I’m the only one with the login info. I wanted to tell the staff never mind and just leave, go home, and pretend like everything was OK. I decided to call my husband and let him know where I was and that I was about to be admitted. I told him I would have to turn off my phone and turn it in to be locked away while I was in the hospital. He told me to do what I needed and take care of myself.

“‘Take care of myself.’ What a novel idea. So many times, the needs of women and mothers are placed on the back burner. We take care of everyone and everything else, and we are left with very little energy or time to tend to our own health. It’s a tragedy and an American epidemic. No paid maternity leave, no paid partner/spousal leave, and very little postpartum care/follow-up allows room for a whole crop of issues to arise. 

“So 2020 was the year that I finally started taking care of myself again. I can’t be a good mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend or employee if I’m silently suffering, and placing my needs and health at the bottom of the totem pole. It took a pandemic to finally get me to this point. But I’m getting the help, healing and support that I need in order to be the best version of me. I’ve made it my mission to share my story as often as possible to help reduce the shame, guilt and stigma associated with mental illness and with seeking help.”

— Rachel Flinn

The post ‘I finally started taking care of myself again’ appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“I’m the sponsor for a comic book and anime club at my school. It’s kind of gotten a reputation around campus as the sanctuary for misfits. The stereotype that you get is the nerd, the ones who hide out in basements and are not social. As worrisome as that stereotype might be, I don’t reject it. I am sort of a magnet for socially awkward people and those who don’t really belong anywhere else. It’s something that I’ve come to take great pride in. My classroom is a home to everybody.

“One thing I’ve seen multiple times is that I’ll get kids who are withdrawn, shy and lacking confidence, and a few weeks in my club transforms them. I met a kid the year before who would only come to the club occasionally. He suffers from depression. He doesn’t feel like he has a place in the world. But toward the end of the year, I approached him about being president of the club. It confused him. He didn’t understand why I would choose him rather than someone who came all the time. I told him that I’ve seen some of the things he’s written and created artisticwise. And he has a way of speaking to other people, even though he doesn’t like to, and they listen. I told him, ‘I think you’re the right man for this.’

“Sure enough, when I saw him again in his junior year, he became more social. He was more willing to go up to a group of strangers and introduce himself. He has a long way to go. There have been times where he has allowed his insecurities and his struggles with depression to kind of interfere with his development. But as we move into his senior year, I want to continue to work with him and kind of foster his leadership skills. This is not somebody who would be able to join the football team or student council, those sorts of things. But in our club, he could be a leader. How I hope that translates into his future life is that he can build a career around his interests and the skills that he learns socially in the club.

“A lot of these kids feel like there is not a future in fandom. But I tell them, if you feel like you can do this, you can do this. If you want to try it, try it. I’m all about uplifting, elevating, empowering. I don’t want anybody to feel like they don’t belong or they don’t have a future where they can be happy. Because everybody deserves that.”

— Jeff Derrickson

Jeff grew up in Baytown. He is an English teacher at North Shore High School.

Related:

• He has more to offer as high school counselor

The post Comic book-anime club welcomes everyone appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“Prior to the coronavirus interrupting all our lives, I would do my work with the recruitment and enrollment department at Lee College pretty much five days out of the week. And on Monday nights, I would race from work over to Deer Park to conduct the Deer Park Community Concert Band. That was life for me: work, band rehearsals and concerts. Besides that, I enjoyed spending time with family and friends, or just being a homebody.

“I’ve been a lifelong bachelor. I think it’s just the cards I’ve been dealt. I live in the lofts right across the street from the college. It’s a very cozy place. But during this period of having to work from home and not being able to go out and enjoy the things we’re used to doing, it can get depressing. At times, it’s been very difficult to be motivated. It’s definitely been an adjustment for me. It can make you feel like you’re in some kind of funk. Like you’re not moving forward.

“One of the things I turn to in a time like this is comedy. I love comedy because I love any opportunity to laugh. So I’ll watch comedy classics on TV or DVDs. I can’t get enough of it. And it’s really helped. I’m sad that I’m not able to get out and visit my family. I’m sad that we had to cancel the rest of our concert band season. But I’m looking forward to returning to a somewhat more normal life pretty soon. I’m ready. It may be challenging for many of us right now. But as they say, this, too, shall pass.”

— Tommy Juarez

The post He turns to comedy in times of need appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“Anytime I hear about a suicide, it really cuts me deep. Because I’ve been there.

“I don’t think people realize that person fought so hard to try not to do that. They just weren’t strong enough.

“I have an acquaintance whose mom recently killed herself. And I know that she’s blaming herself. That’s what people do: ‘I should have seen the red flags. I could have done this. I should have done that.’ But people need to know there is literally nothing you could have done to stop that from happening. You carry no blame. I need that little girl to know that she could not have saved her mom, no matter what she could have done.

“I need people to know that the person who eventually did not make it tried really hard. They didn’t just take the easy way out. They didn’t just give up. They tried really hard not to do it. They just couldn’t.

“I’m very blessed to never have lost anybody to that. I know it’s the most torturous thing ever. But there’s nothing you could have done. Because that chaos, that fight that’s inside their head, you can’t get in there. People want to call it selfish, this and that. You have no idea until you’ve actually wanted to end it, and like repeatedly; not just that you’ve had a really shitty day. Until you’ve lived that in and out for years, you just have no idea.”

— Sheena Gordon

The post When suicide leads to the blame game appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“I need people to be OK with talking about their mental health. It’s so stigmatized. People are so terrified of appearing weak. Because it’s a mental thing and not a broken foot, some people feel like they should be able to just power through it. Well, sometimes there is a type of disconnect, something going on, that you can’t just get over it. I need people to be OK with talking about that.

“I’m very open about my mental health. But there are so many people who are suffering in silence. They really do think that they’re the only ones who feel that way. They’re terrified of telling anyone about it. I understand that, but they really do need to get it out.

“To me, your tribe is so important. It’s that whole ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ thing. I exist because of my tribe. I know that when I’m freaking out, I can call on one of like 20 people. And I’m so open about everything I’m going through, I don’t have to be scared that I’m going to say something, because they already know.

“My biggest thing is that I really need people to be OK in discovering that they’re not OK.”

— Sheena Gordon

Related:

• Suicide — ‘I would never do that to my mother’

• Sexual abuse as child continues to haunt her

• Keto at center of her weight loss journey

• When suicide leads to the blame game

The post Talking about your mental health is key appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“I’ve always had anxiety and depression. Even as a child. Throughout my life, I’ve been in and out of therapy, on and off antidepressants. My depression has always been weird. I’m a very joyful person. But every once in a while, I’ll get depressed, and life sucks for a minute. That’s the way it’s been for years. What happens now when I get depressed is that it usually comes out of nowhere. It lasts anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours, and then I’m fine.

“Almost always, the next day it will happen again for the same amount of time. Then I’m good for another week. It helps that I know it’s going to pass. But when I’m in it, it feels horrible. It feels like your skin is on fire. You really believe that you will never be happy again. It doesn’t make any sense, but you just want to die. That’s not going to fix anything. But you don’t care. You just want out. It’s hard. It’s weird. It’s complicated.

“People ask if I’m having suicidal thoughts. I do at times. But I know there’s no chance I’m going to kill myself, for lots of reasons. Mostly because my mom couldn’t handle it. A long time ago, I decided I would never do that to my mother. For years she has kept me alive because I was like, I can’t do it, no matter what.

“People are scared for me, and I get that. For people who don’t understand depression or suicidal thoughts, suicide is a scary-ass word. It’s an emergency word, like, we need to get you help now. If I’m being honest, sometimes I kind of feel like dying. But I’m OK. It’s just how I feel in that moment. When I say that, my best friend knows not to be scared. I just have to express how I feel.

“For people who don’t have it, it’s hard to explain what it’s like. And I guess I’ve been very blessed because I’ve always had open-minded people in my life. They’re like, ‘OK, I don’t understand it. But I believe you, and I know it’s a huge thing.’ Fortunately, I haven’t had to deal with a lot of people who’ve told me to just get over it or just power through it. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. It’s not that simple.”

— Sheena Gordon

Related:

• Sexual abuse as child continues to haunt her

• Keto at center of her weight loss journey

• Talking about your mental health is key

• When suicide leads to the blame game

The post Suicide — ‘I would never do that to my mother’ appeared first on The Baytown Project.