“I was molested when I was a kid, from age 2 to 9, the whole time by my mother’s boyfriend. She had no idea. When she found out, it was over. Never saw him again. Decided not to press charges. She didn’t want to put me through all that. Going through the court system, with a trial and everything, would have been horrific. So she made the decision, which I’m very comfortable with now.

“I went to therapy immediately. I don’t know if I’m just really good at compartmentalizing things. But after a while, the therapist told my mom that I was OK. And I did feel fine. But because of that experience, sex has always been kind of weird to me. Like, I have issues with sex. Part of it just grossed me out. And I’m like, that’s not normal. So my whole life, I’ve been in and out of therapy trying to deal with that. I’ve been in therapy maybe 10 times, and the goal is always to resolve that issue. Because thinking sex is disgusting is not normal, and I would like to be a little more normal.

“Well, every time I do therapy, at some point we start talking about my weight. And I get that. Yes, I was abused. Yes, I didn’t want anybody to ever touch me again. So subconsciously, that’s most likely why I put on all this weight, to protect myself. We don’t want anybody to touch us. So we get big and gross to protect ourselves. I’ve seen and read a lot about it. It happens to a lot of people. So I get that. At some point, we have to deal with my weight. But we never get back to the sex being disgusting. And that irritates me. That’s why I keep going back to therapy, to try to get that part resolved. That’s always what I’m there to fix, but it never gets fixed.”

— Sheena Gordon

Related:

• Suicide — ‘I would never do that to my mother’

• Keto at center of her weight loss journey

• Talking about your mental health is key

• When suicide leads to the blame game

The post Sexual abuse as child continues to haunt her appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“I’ve always had anxiety and depression. Even as a child. Throughout my life, I’ve been in and out of therapy, on and off antidepressants. My depression has always been weird. I’m a very joyful person. But every once in a while, I’ll get depressed, and life sucks for a minute. That’s the way it’s been for years. What happens now when I get depressed is that it usually comes out of nowhere. It lasts anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours, and then I’m fine.

“Almost always, the next day it will happen again for the same amount of time. Then I’m good for another week. It helps that I know it’s going to pass. But when I’m in it, it feels horrible. It feels like your skin is on fire. You really believe that you will never be happy again. It doesn’t make any sense, but you just want to die. That’s not going to fix anything. But you don’t care. You just want out. It’s hard. It’s weird. It’s complicated.

“People ask if I’m having suicidal thoughts. I do at times. But I know there’s no chance I’m going to kill myself, for lots of reasons. Mostly because my mom couldn’t handle it. A long time ago, I decided I would never do that to my mother. For years she has kept me alive because I was like, I can’t do it, no matter what.

“People are scared for me, and I get that. For people who don’t understand depression or suicidal thoughts, suicide is a scary-ass word. It’s an emergency word, like, we need to get you help now. If I’m being honest, sometimes I kind of feel like dying. But I’m OK. It’s just how I feel in that moment. When I say that, my best friend knows not to be scared. I just have to express how I feel.

“For people who don’t have it, it’s hard to explain what it’s like. And I guess I’ve been very blessed because I’ve always had open-minded people in my life. They’re like, ‘OK, I don’t understand it. But I believe you, and I know it’s a huge thing.’ Fortunately, I haven’t had to deal with a lot of people who’ve told me to just get over it or just power through it. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. It’s not that simple.”

— Sheena Gordon

Related:

• Sexual abuse as child continues to haunt her

• Keto at center of her weight loss journey

• Talking about your mental health is key

• When suicide leads to the blame game

The post Suicide — ‘I would never do that to my mother’ appeared first on The Baytown Project.

“I always wanted the latest Barbie dresses when I was a kid. But we didn’t have a lot of money growing up, so we couldn’t afford them. Luckily, my mom was a very crafty person. She would buy patterns and fabric, and I sewed my own clothes for the dolls. She showed me how to lay out a pattern and pin it. She showed me how to thread the machine. And I just took off from there.

“Actually, it wasn’t that bad because I made a lot of cool things. One time I used some faux fur to make a fur coat for Barbie. None of my friends had one like it, so that was pretty cool. And I still have that fur coat today.

The post Crafty Cameo treasures Barbie fur coat appeared first on The Baytown Project.