Suicide — ‘I would never do that to my mother’
“I’ve always had anxiety and depression. Even as a child. Throughout my life, I’ve been in and out of therapy, on and off antidepressants. My depression has always been weird. I’m a very joyful person. But every once in a while, I’ll get depressed, and life sucks for a minute. That’s the way it’s been for years. What happens now when I get depressed is that it usually comes out of nowhere. It lasts anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours, and then I’m fine.
“Almost always, the next day it will happen again for the same amount of time. Then I’m good for another week. It helps that I know it’s going to pass. But when I’m in it, it feels horrible. It feels like your skin is on fire. You really believe that you will never be happy again. It doesn’t make any sense, but you just want to die. That’s not going to fix anything. But you don’t care. You just want out. It’s hard. It’s weird. It’s complicated.
“People ask if I’m having suicidal thoughts. I do at times. But I know there’s no chance I’m going to kill myself, for lots of reasons. Mostly because my mom couldn’t handle it. A long time ago, I decided I would never do that to my mother. For years she has kept me alive because I was like, I can’t do it, no matter what.
“People are scared for me, and I get that. For people who don’t understand depression or suicidal thoughts, suicide is a scary-ass word. It’s an emergency word, like, we need to get you help now. If I’m being honest, sometimes I kind of feel like dying. But I’m OK. It’s just how I feel in that moment. When I say that, my best friend knows not to be scared. I just have to express how I feel.
“For people who don’t have it, it’s hard to explain what it’s like. And I guess I’ve been very blessed because I’ve always had open-minded people in my life. They’re like, ‘OK, I don’t understand it. But I believe you, and I know it’s a huge thing.’ Fortunately, I haven’t had to deal with a lot of people who’ve told me to just get over it or just power through it. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. It’s not that simple.”
— Sheena Gordon
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