‘Grief is a blessing when I allow myself to sit with it’
“‘We have to let our hearts break.’ I heard Mariann Edgar Budde, Episcopal bishop of Washington, D.C., say this recently. And whoa, I felt that. For me, 2020 started in a state of grief. Just a few months prior, I lost my sweet love, Daniel, to cancer. Then chaos ensued with the virus. Thankfully, my job switched to teleworking, and I went into quarantine to protect myself because I’m immunocompromised due to my weird autoimmune illness. I put my grief on the back burner, trying to adjust to the new normal. But it came creeping back in June when Daniel’s birthday rolled around. It hit hard on the anniversary of his death in late September. I knew I had to face it.
“I started seeing my friends dealing with the virus, getting sick, losing loved ones, losing jobs, and people stressed having to educate their children. As if the pandemic wasn’t enough, we’ve had heavy political and civic unrest, and every relationship has been tested. I realized all of us were dealing with grief and loss. I know when grief hits, I want answers. That big three-letter word, ‘Why?’ But I’m learning that first I need to feel it before I can put meaning to it. These past months, I’ve come to embrace the idea of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad. When I think about it that way, it releases me from the need to control everything and have all the answers.
“In the meantime, what to do in survival mode? I’m leaning into my creative side. I’ve written some songs and taken up painting. Did I mention I was a control freak? Learning to paint is teaching me to deal with my perfectionism because I don’t have to ‘stay inside the lines.’ Also, more recently, my sister and I decided to learn sign language. It’s such a fascinating language that depends on human connection with body language and eye contact. And human connection is something we’re all craving right now.
“The word that I keep coming back to is ‘resilience.’ The human spirit and ability to not only survive but thrive in moments like these is so remarkable. I’m constantly inspired by the ingenuity and creativity of others around me. The only thing I’m sure of right now is that we weren’t meant to face hardships alone. We have to keep holding on to one another.
“I’ve also learned that grief is a blessing when I allow myself to sit with it. It shows me what’s important in life and what to let go of. It was an honor to be in Daniel’s light for a while. ‘Live life forward.’ That was his motto. And memories of his love and grace are definitely helping carry me forward.”
— Cynthia Dawn Clevenger
(Note: Cynthia Dawn Clevenger passed away on Jan. 26, 2022.)
